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“The True Fallout From Provoking Our Children To Wrath”
Categories: Author: Evan Lancaster, Member Articles
The atomic bomb that detonated over Hiroshima, Japan, on August 6th, 1945, was a fission reaction. Two masses of volatile materials (uranium-235) were forced together quickly, causing neutrons to be released from the nuclei of a few of the atoms. Those neutrons careened off and smashed into the nuclei of other atoms, which in turn caused those atoms' neutrons to split from their nuclei and fly toward other atoms... and this continued in a chain reaction that within milliseconds spread from just a few atoms throughout the entirety of the mass of volatile materials. The result was an enormous explosion that killed and injured over a hundred thousand civilians and changed the entire course of human history.
Perhaps the most disturbing part of that event is that it all started with subatomic particles no one could see. But enough of the volatile materials had been combined together so that the total amount of material reached "critical mass", the point at which merely one more wayward neutron added to the mix would start the chain reaction. Equally disturbing is that, once the reaction started, no one could predict exactly where those flying neutrons were going to go or which of the surrounding atoms they would hit, and yet everyone would soon know just how utterly devastating the overall results would be, regardless of the order in which the atoms were struck.
When a father provokes his child to wrath (Eph 6:4), it can be like an atomic bomb denotating. A few small "neutrons" of barbed sarcastic comments, overly critical assessments, or snarky retorts from a father can penetrate into the core of a child who has been holding onto some resentment or bitterness for some time, setting off a chain reaction of emotions and events whose sequence is difficult or even impossible to predict, but whose effects will almost always leave a large crater where there was once life and vibrance.
Now, it's easy to take this statement by Paul at face value and assume that he is addressing the father who is needling, nagging, or neglecting his child in a way that causes the child to simply lash out angrily back toward the father. And certainly, that is one possible scenario. However, Paul only tells fathers not to provoke their child to anger, but he doesn't tell the Ephesians how that provocation might occur, nor does he indicate the target(s) of the child's resulting anger. So how else might we envision this playing out?
Let's examine the childhood of a hypothetical boy named Mike. Mike's father is a Christian, but one who struggles at times to emulate Christ as he should. Perhaps the father frequently runs down his wife when he's talking to Mike, pointing out all her flaws and deficiencies, or even giving Mike a very one-sided account of a disagreements the father and mother have had. Could this provoke Mike to become resentful toward the mother and blame her for being such a burden to his father? Or maybe the father constantly talks up the accomplishments or talents of Nancy, Mike's sister, while completely overlooking Mike's successes and good qualities. Would it be possible that Mike could become envious of Nancy and embittered toward his sister?
Or what if Mike and his dad are riding down the highway in the car, listening to Dad's favorite talk radio host mocking or railing against the current or previous political administration, and Dad is laughing heartily at all the jokes, or raging right along with the host? Isn't it likely that Mike could have his own rage stoked against leaders appointed by God, or that he might have anger stirred up in him against authority in general?
What if Dad regularly comes home from worship and starts to systematically tear down the preacher's sermon over lunch, enumerating all the poor analogies, PowerPoint faux pas, and the preacher's perceived lack of energy while ignoring the truth and power of the message presented? Could it be that Mike might be provoked to anger toward the preacher, the elders, or even the church as a result?
Worst of all, how might Mike react if he only ever heard his father talk about how terrible, corrupt, and unfair this world is, never hearing from his father about the unfathomable beauty and wisdom behind God's creations (including people, whom He created in His image)? Isn't it in the realm of possibility that Mike might be provoked to anger and a hardened heart toward God Himself for creating such a harsh environment for us to inhabit?
Again, we mostly think about a child's anger being directed back toward the father because of the father's words and actions toward the child. But that's only one possible outcome. A child's anger can be launched toward mother, siblings, government or authority figures, church leaders, or even God because of his father's words and actions. Most often, these are said or done without forethought or consideration of their long-lasting impact. Unfortunately, that lack of forethought or intent doesn't do anything to reduce the damage to the child and those around him.
James warns about this destructive power of the tongue: "How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!" (3:5, ESV). The course of a child's life (and even the lives of those around him and his descendants) can explode into chaos as a result: Children can grow up to treat their own spouses with the same contempt as their parents exhibited, become estranged from siblings who should be among their closest companions, turn against their friends, lose confidence in authority figures in government and the church, and even lose their faith in God altogether.
Otherwise, unthinkable outcomes like divorce, emotional or physical abuse, chronic strife within extended families, divisions in the church, and total rebellion against God suddenly become very real possibilities, wreaking havoc among families, churches, and societies where there is a history of parents unintentionally provoking their children to anger through their careless words and deeds.
So how do we parents prevent this from happening?
First, clearly, we must take extra care of what we say and do, especially toward our children. But that is only one aspect of our responsibility toward our kids. Paul addresses the other aspect in the second half of Eph 6:4: we must "bring them up in the discipline (training) and instruction (warnings) of the Lord".
If we want to defuse the bomb of anger within our children, the most effective way is to reduce their volatility. We must train them up in the way they should go (Prov 22:6), and we must show them the examples given throughout God's Word of those who suffered the consequences of letting their anger go unchecked. After all, that's why we have God's Word--to get instruction from their examples (1 Cor 10:11). Teaching our kids through example to love all humans as Jesus loved us (John 13:34-35) and to forgive as we have been forgiven (Eph 4:32) will make them less prone to reaching "critical mass" as the result of an unintentional word or deed.
